Manic Organic

Hi Maude and Mod,
I have been with my girlfriend for about two years. She is very into all things that are "new age-y". 

This includes:
- constantly monitoring other people's recycling
- yoga, sometimes twice a day (big time commitment)
- acupuncture
- eating only organically and "whole" foods (this means that an apple is better than say dried apple rings in a bag)
- no caffeine, no exceptions
- timing her circadian rhythms
- intense skin care (also time-consuming)
The list goes on, but you get the idea: total purist holistic living.

I am healthy, never a serious medical concern in my life, but its like everything I do is somehow either a detriment to my own health or the social good. (Example: once when we were living together, she found a battery in the trash can and we had to cancel all our plans for the day she was so upset). Ironically, it seems that this lifestyle causes her more harm than good. It's like a chain effect: her yoga instructor tells her that she needs to do a liver cleanse, then while doing the liver cleanse, she gets sick from eating only olive oil and green apples all day, so she has to go to the doctor, the doctor perscribes medication, but since medication isn't organic she has to go to acupuncture, and on and on. The real issue here is she kind of lords her lifestyle over me and lately I have really started to question why she can't accept the way I live (which, I can't stress this enough, is remarkably healthy compared to 99% of the population).

Every time I try to bring this up she is really nice about it (but in that "let's not put bad energy into the room" kind of way) and says she will stop, but it doesn't really stop, it just becomes less obvious, which actually makes the judgment that much stronger. It's driving me crazy.  What do I do?

Thank You,
Behind the Times or Right on Point?

Dear Behind the Times:
Maude: Oh, how painful it was to read your letter. Emotionally, not physically (although I do have some eye strain). Your GF was me at age 24. How obnoxious I was the year I turned vegan and eschewed all things animal -- well, except the opposite sex, but I digress. Finding non-leather shoes was a real challenge in the 70s. Thank goodness we did not recycle or I would have become totally friendless. I broke up with one well-meaning BF because he did not think highly of my book written by Ram Dass: the day I found myself tucking it under the couch as he approached my apartment, I knew he had to go (the BF, not Ram). However, longevity does, in this case, give insight. Plain and simple: you are both right. She has the right to her newfound Zen lifestyle and you have the right to just live like a normal person. Sadly, I must tell you that this relationship cannot go forward for another decade, at least. She will mellow as life takes its toll and you will become more defined about who YOU are. Currently, you are misleading your rigid and critical GF by pretending that you’re happy being the earth-lover she wants you to be when, in fact, you really just want to be yourself. So, meditate on that for awhile, eat some hemp, and then look yourself in the mirror and move on.
Mod: That was dramatic, Mom. Looks like you tapped into some prime hippie nostalgia. Behind the Times, I don’t think you have to wait a decade to be happy with your girlfriend. I think you need to have a serious, sit-down-let-it-out-until-you-can’t-talk-anymore-then-go-get-soy-cheese-pizza conversation. Definitely wait until you are face-to-face for this one. Explain that you are not objecting to her commitment to her health and the environment. You’re objecting to these things getting in the way of the two of you functioning like normal people in a normal relationship. It would be the same thing if you refused to go to vegetarian dinner parties and couldn’t go on normal excursions with her because you were too full of bacon and cigarette smoke. When someone’s lifestyle choices (organic, alcoholic, etc) significantly infringe on the workings of your relationship, you’ve got a problem. So she just needs to pull it back when you're together and make sure her lifestyle choices aren't limiting her or the two of you. If she doesn’t feel she can do that, you two have bigger issues than kombucha and yoga. Finally, keep her away from apple cleanses: I've attempted one and it wasn't pretty. 

Deep Dish and Rage

Dear Maude and Mod,
Last night I was at my favorite pizza place, having a meditative moment with my slice of cheese. In walked this family (Mom, Dad, two little boys who were about three or four) and suddenly everything was chaos -- the kids were running around making animal noises and the parents were repeatedly saying, "Do we need to go home? We'll go home" so that the kids would sit down. But they didn't take the kids home, and in mere instants, the kids were out of their seats and screaming again. This cycle repeated about twenty times before I left. My question: could I have said, "Look, if you just do what you say you'll do (actually take the brats home), your kids won't be devils" if I thought that advice would be life-changing for the whole family? Might my humble suggestion be valued, or would I get mangled by defensive parents?

Sincerely,
Who Knew Pizza Places Were Effective Birth Control?

Dear Who Knew,

Maude: Cheese? Myself, I prefer artichokes and kalamata olives. Now - though it would have been nice to stuff a few olives in those sweet little boys' mouths, one might have choked and that would have led to problems bigger than if you had actually spoken to the parents. These are what I call "ARMCHAIR" parents: they sit on their derrieres and parent with their VOICES only. Which, as you observed, does not work. So, should you, could you, have spoken up? No. Plain and simple. What you COULD have done is taken you pizza to go. Or, if you simply HAD to take the situation on, I would suggest the following (loud enough for the parents -- or perhaps the entire restaurant -- to hear):
You -- to these precious, undisciplined boys, "Hi sweeties! I will just bet you can sit quietly and behave while your pizza is cooking, EVEN THOUGH your parents don't think so." The shock factor will buy you about eight seconds to move out of the restaurant immediately.
Mod: Parents, particularly parents who know their kids are wild and bratty, are not going to respond to your sage, childless wisdom. You could slip them the name of a great child therapist or the hotline to one of those 'Nanny 911' shows, but I doubt you carry those around with you. I do agree with Maude's approach if you're feeling particularly bold, although I might take it a step further. Kneel down next to a child (catching them mid-rotation as they run around the table, but being careful not to actually touch the monster) and exclaim, "UH OH! I heard Mommy and Daddy say they were going to take you home if you got out of your seat again. And yet, here you are! It looks like your pizza date is over!" Then give the parents a big, slightly chilly smile and settle back into your booth. Wait for a miracle.