Deep Dish and Rage

Dear Maude and Mod,
Last night I was at my favorite pizza place, having a meditative moment with my slice of cheese. In walked this family (Mom, Dad, two little boys who were about three or four) and suddenly everything was chaos -- the kids were running around making animal noises and the parents were repeatedly saying, "Do we need to go home? We'll go home" so that the kids would sit down. But they didn't take the kids home, and in mere instants, the kids were out of their seats and screaming again. This cycle repeated about twenty times before I left. My question: could I have said, "Look, if you just do what you say you'll do (actually take the brats home), your kids won't be devils" if I thought that advice would be life-changing for the whole family? Might my humble suggestion be valued, or would I get mangled by defensive parents?

Sincerely,
Who Knew Pizza Places Were Effective Birth Control?

Dear Who Knew,

Maude: Cheese? Myself, I prefer artichokes and kalamata olives. Now - though it would have been nice to stuff a few olives in those sweet little boys' mouths, one might have choked and that would have led to problems bigger than if you had actually spoken to the parents. These are what I call "ARMCHAIR" parents: they sit on their derrieres and parent with their VOICES only. Which, as you observed, does not work. So, should you, could you, have spoken up? No. Plain and simple. What you COULD have done is taken you pizza to go. Or, if you simply HAD to take the situation on, I would suggest the following (loud enough for the parents -- or perhaps the entire restaurant -- to hear):
You -- to these precious, undisciplined boys, "Hi sweeties! I will just bet you can sit quietly and behave while your pizza is cooking, EVEN THOUGH your parents don't think so." The shock factor will buy you about eight seconds to move out of the restaurant immediately.
Mod: Parents, particularly parents who know their kids are wild and bratty, are not going to respond to your sage, childless wisdom. You could slip them the name of a great child therapist or the hotline to one of those 'Nanny 911' shows, but I doubt you carry those around with you. I do agree with Maude's approach if you're feeling particularly bold, although I might take it a step further. Kneel down next to a child (catching them mid-rotation as they run around the table, but being careful not to actually touch the monster) and exclaim, "UH OH! I heard Mommy and Daddy say they were going to take you home if you got out of your seat again. And yet, here you are! It looks like your pizza date is over!" Then give the parents a big, slightly chilly smile and settle back into your booth. Wait for a miracle.