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EEK! Over a week has gone by with no advice. Maude and Mod are deeply sorry, although our readers DO need to provide us with more questions (otherwise we'll have to make them up and they are never as probable when that happens). Luckily, the following question is from a real live reader.
Dear M & M,
My friend has been pushing for a double date with her boyfriend and my husband. Trouble is, her boyfriend's a dud and I've always believed she could do better. (I think she knows this, deep down, but doesn't want to accept it.) I don't think my hubby will enjoy the boyfriend's company. How can I get out of this gracefully?
Sincerely,
Double Date Evader
Dear Double Date Evader,
Maude: How can you get out of this gracefully? Sadly, you cannot. You must go and you must take your delicate husband with you. Believe it or not, he will survive four hours of boredom. This is when all good wives summon the, "I spent mother's day with YOUR mother last year and she is not even MY mother. This is the least you can do."
It will be very helpful if this outing includes an actual activity rather than sitting around with margaritas in someone's cramped apartment trying to 'get to know' one another. Try a movie and then a drink or go bowling or ice-skating. After the evening ends make sure you are quite affectionate as a thank you to that sweet spouse of yours and then you may decline the next 4 invitations your friend offers (unless, of course, you find that all of you actually had a good time). And do not forget the silver lining. It is just possible, actually quite possible, that your GF will see that she has a boring BF, while you have a winner. But then you will have to decline all future invites as she will be at risk of flirting with your husband and we simply cannot have that.
Mod: You hit this one on the head. I'd go with bowling: between taking turns to play and working on a pitcher of beer, you should be just fine.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Indecision 2009
M's,
Lately I’ve been re-evaluating my life path. I spent high school and
college studying and doing things related to humanities and social
sciences, and now I’m taking post-bac premed classes to apply to
medical school for 2011. I’ve always been more passionate about
healthcare than any other field, and becoming a physician appeals to
me because it would be challenging, engaging, and personally
rewarding. However, at the prompting of one of my darling friends, I
took a comprehensive career fit test. I tried to respond as honestly
as possible, and at the end, it told me things about myself that I
should already know, but often ignore or try to overcome. I’m great at
lots of things—I knew that before I took the damn test. But
ultimately, the problem is that I don’t think I would tell someone
with my particular demeanor and skill set to go to medical school.
The meat of my question is this: where do I draw the line between
self-improvement and going against my own nature? Should I seek to be
more detail-oriented, more organized, and less social just because I’m
interested in a specific career? Or is it more beneficial for me to
find something that suits me just as I am? I hate giving up on things,
but I think there’s a point when persistence becomes stupid rather
than courageous. At the same time, I don’t want to have any regrets.
Maude. Mod. Help.
Indecision 2009
Dear Indecision 2009,
Mod: I’m deflecting this one to Maude because I’m going through an identical career crisis. Mom?
Maude: The real question you’re asking has meaning for all of our readers. Can we change our basic personality traits? Should we? At what cost? And, equally importantly, why do we persistently take those ridiculous personality/career tests, anyway?
First, I would like you to sit quietly and imagine your 5-7 year old self. What was your temperament like before you began to adapt to the difficulties of living in this world? Our truest selves, our most sincere selves, were undiluted at this age. (Even the Catholic Church knows this -- no confession until you are age 7 as by then you should have been able to begin adapting to the expectations of the world you actually live in). Do, dear one, sit quietly. Imagine that cute young "you" and ask yourself if you should continue on a career path that is going to be "challenging, engaging, and personally rewarding". What did that mini you want to do all day? What made her happiest? Why, mini Maude remembers clearly that on her 7th birthday she meditated on the unhappy starving children of the world. She decided right then that she would take her shy and quiet self and find a way to save them. And here I am today. See how it works? And for goodness sake, I do wish your generation would stop thinking that the health care field only consists of physicians. There are outstanding people who perform duties as Physician Assistants, nurses, dentists, chiropractors, midwives, and more. And by the way, "giving up on things" is the same thing as "changing my mind" as told to parents and friends at your next dinner party. It is all in the delivery.
Mod: Wasn't 5-7 the age when I refused to wear anything but a party dress and cried at least once a day? Which career is that?
Lately I’ve been re-evaluating my life path. I spent high school and
college studying and doing things related to humanities and social
sciences, and now I’m taking post-bac premed classes to apply to
medical school for 2011. I’ve always been more passionate about
healthcare than any other field, and becoming a physician appeals to
me because it would be challenging, engaging, and personally
rewarding. However, at the prompting of one of my darling friends, I
took a comprehensive career fit test. I tried to respond as honestly
as possible, and at the end, it told me things about myself that I
should already know, but often ignore or try to overcome. I’m great at
lots of things—I knew that before I took the damn test. But
ultimately, the problem is that I don’t think I would tell someone
with my particular demeanor and skill set to go to medical school.
The meat of my question is this: where do I draw the line between
self-improvement and going against my own nature? Should I seek to be
more detail-oriented, more organized, and less social just because I’m
interested in a specific career? Or is it more beneficial for me to
find something that suits me just as I am? I hate giving up on things,
but I think there’s a point when persistence becomes stupid rather
than courageous. At the same time, I don’t want to have any regrets.
Maude. Mod. Help.
Indecision 2009
Dear Indecision 2009,
Mod: I’m deflecting this one to Maude because I’m going through an identical career crisis. Mom?
Maude: The real question you’re asking has meaning for all of our readers. Can we change our basic personality traits? Should we? At what cost? And, equally importantly, why do we persistently take those ridiculous personality/career tests, anyway?
First, I would like you to sit quietly and imagine your 5-7 year old self. What was your temperament like before you began to adapt to the difficulties of living in this world? Our truest selves, our most sincere selves, were undiluted at this age. (Even the Catholic Church knows this -- no confession until you are age 7 as by then you should have been able to begin adapting to the expectations of the world you actually live in). Do, dear one, sit quietly. Imagine that cute young "you" and ask yourself if you should continue on a career path that is going to be "challenging, engaging, and personally rewarding". What did that mini you want to do all day? What made her happiest? Why, mini Maude remembers clearly that on her 7th birthday she meditated on the unhappy starving children of the world. She decided right then that she would take her shy and quiet self and find a way to save them. And here I am today. See how it works? And for goodness sake, I do wish your generation would stop thinking that the health care field only consists of physicians. There are outstanding people who perform duties as Physician Assistants, nurses, dentists, chiropractors, midwives, and more. And by the way, "giving up on things" is the same thing as "changing my mind" as told to parents and friends at your next dinner party. It is all in the delivery.
Mod: Wasn't 5-7 the age when I refused to wear anything but a party dress and cried at least once a day? Which career is that?
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
A Hairy Headache
Dear Mod and Maude,
I was briefly thrilled and then horrified when my boyfriend ditched his beard for a mustache. I assumed this was a joke and expected it to be gone within days, but it seems to have substantial staying power. He’s trying to convince me that it looks dashing and has launched a photo campaign in my inbox of sexy actors and Latinos (which he is not) with mustaches. I’ve already tried being direct, and all it did was hurt his feelings. On the grand scheme of things, the ‘stache isn’t a big deal, but I think he looks like a 70s porn star, and I want it gone. Help!
-Mustache March Isn't a Real Holiday
Dear Mustache March,
Maude: You have a way with words and the picture of your honey is clearly imprinted on my mind. You report that being direct has not resulted in shaving actions. Your BF has left you with no alternative. Why tell the truth when you can more successfully lie? Telling a fib that is carefully constructed can save everyone involved from complex feelings. Just be simple and direct. I do believe that your Uncle James used to embarrass you with his off-color jokes when you were just an innocent 11 year- old. Unfortunately, Uncle James had a mustache. The connection between mustaches and embarrassment is just too keen which is why you have never dated, much less felt sexy, towards a mustached man. Oh--be sure and mention that this was a repressed memory and that you are sure your BF will notice your increase in libido just as soon as he shaves.
Mod: I agree with Maude wholeheartedly on this one (who doesn’t have a pervy, mustached uncle?) although I’m shocked that she did not mention that she was married to a mustached man for twenty years (they’re still married, he’s now unmustached).
Here are some other things you can try (in succession or all at once):
1. Wince dramatically whenever you’re about to kiss him and his bristles touch you
2. Attempt to grow your own mustache (“I didn’t want yours to be lonely!”)
3. Lavishly praise the smooth upper lips of other men when your BF is around
4. Claim that he has bits of food in his mustache
5. Fake waking up from nightmares about kissing your Uncle James
I was briefly thrilled and then horrified when my boyfriend ditched his beard for a mustache. I assumed this was a joke and expected it to be gone within days, but it seems to have substantial staying power. He’s trying to convince me that it looks dashing and has launched a photo campaign in my inbox of sexy actors and Latinos (which he is not) with mustaches. I’ve already tried being direct, and all it did was hurt his feelings. On the grand scheme of things, the ‘stache isn’t a big deal, but I think he looks like a 70s porn star, and I want it gone. Help!
-Mustache March Isn't a Real Holiday
Dear Mustache March,
Maude: You have a way with words and the picture of your honey is clearly imprinted on my mind. You report that being direct has not resulted in shaving actions. Your BF has left you with no alternative. Why tell the truth when you can more successfully lie? Telling a fib that is carefully constructed can save everyone involved from complex feelings. Just be simple and direct. I do believe that your Uncle James used to embarrass you with his off-color jokes when you were just an innocent 11 year- old. Unfortunately, Uncle James had a mustache. The connection between mustaches and embarrassment is just too keen which is why you have never dated, much less felt sexy, towards a mustached man. Oh--be sure and mention that this was a repressed memory and that you are sure your BF will notice your increase in libido just as soon as he shaves.
Mod: I agree with Maude wholeheartedly on this one (who doesn’t have a pervy, mustached uncle?) although I’m shocked that she did not mention that she was married to a mustached man for twenty years (they’re still married, he’s now unmustached).
Here are some other things you can try (in succession or all at once):
1. Wince dramatically whenever you’re about to kiss him and his bristles touch you
2. Attempt to grow your own mustache (“I didn’t want yours to be lonely!”)
3. Lavishly praise the smooth upper lips of other men when your BF is around
4. Claim that he has bits of food in his mustache
5. Fake waking up from nightmares about kissing your Uncle James
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
When the recession is a' rockin'....
Dear M & M,
Like any savvy twenty-something, I started an online budget as my New Year's resolution, to actually track where my money was going. Lo and behold, I spend over half my salary on rent (not surprising) and most of the rest on wining and dining, so to speak (more like sushi delivery and nights of binge drinking).
I've already started bringing lunch to work, stopped shopping (mostly, anyhow) and ordering delivery; but, I'm still spending well above what I need to in order to start on my savings plan - which means actually saving some -- or any -- money, really.
I get depressed just thinking about not going out for dinner/drinks/happy hour to see friends, indulging in the subsequent cab ride home that will ensue or canceling my gym membership (which I'm really planning on using - honest). How do I save without sacrificing my social life and/or mental health?
Spoiled & Broke
Dear Spoiled & Broke,
Maude: Just from your signature line and general brilliance, I imagine that your parents provided you with a stellar education at, no doubt, an elite and expensive school. Now they (silly them) expect you to pay your own way in this cruel world. What, you ask, can you do to straighten out this frightening situation? To begin, you deserve a round of applause for at least trying to curb you natural tendency to excess and your awareness that gobs of money is not a god-given right. Now, you must move to Kansas. The cost of a very nice duplex will be 1/4 of what you are currently paying. Also, you should use that gym that you to become fit enough to only ride a bicycle when you live in Kansas (don’t worry, it’s quite flat there). Next, you must remember the important and true mantra that you must first pay yourself and then the others. Which means that you must ride that bike very fast in order to outrun the creditors when they find you in your sweet country home. Luckily for you, this advice is free.
Mod: Maude just informed me that she though I wrote this question (I most certainly did not) and that’s why her answer was so flip. Apparently she thinks I'm a pauper (I am) and wants me to relocate. Now for some practical advice: the only way to stop overspending and start saving is to monitor your money like a maniac. How many bank accounts do you have? One or two? Not enough. Maude taught me how to open FIVE bank accounts to keep track of my spending:
-Rent and Bills: Obviously this money is a priority. Keep it separated from the rest and you’ll have a clear idea of how much you have left each month. Put your gym and grocery money here as well. It might be a good idea to have your paychecks deposited into this one.
-Spending and Discretionary: Fun money! Money for drinks, eating out, cabs, clothes, the like.
-Spending Savings: Saving up for a plane ticket, Christmas gifts, or some nice boots? Keep that money here.
-Permanent Savings: This is where your real savings live. You should mostly feed this account and rarely take money out.
-Credit Card
Sounds excessive, but it's so easy once you've set it up, you’ll be hooked. Plus, if you’ve put your money away into rent and savings, you’ll be able to stop yourself from overspending – there won’t be anything left in your spending account. Use online banking so you can see everything at once and transfer away (I use Bank of America checking accounts – they get the job done). Best of all, when you waggle you fingertips and talk about how you need to 'move your money around', people will think you’re a billionaire!
P.S. To make yourself go to the gym more, keep track of how many times you go in a month. Divide your monthly gym fee by that number. Cry and find your gym clothes.
Like any savvy twenty-something, I started an online budget as my New Year's resolution, to actually track where my money was going. Lo and behold, I spend over half my salary on rent (not surprising) and most of the rest on wining and dining, so to speak (more like sushi delivery and nights of binge drinking).
I've already started bringing lunch to work, stopped shopping (mostly, anyhow) and ordering delivery; but, I'm still spending well above what I need to in order to start on my savings plan - which means actually saving some -- or any -- money, really.
I get depressed just thinking about not going out for dinner/drinks/happy hour to see friends, indulging in the subsequent cab ride home that will ensue or canceling my gym membership (which I'm really planning on using - honest). How do I save without sacrificing my social life and/or mental health?
Spoiled & Broke
Dear Spoiled & Broke,
Maude: Just from your signature line and general brilliance, I imagine that your parents provided you with a stellar education at, no doubt, an elite and expensive school. Now they (silly them) expect you to pay your own way in this cruel world. What, you ask, can you do to straighten out this frightening situation? To begin, you deserve a round of applause for at least trying to curb you natural tendency to excess and your awareness that gobs of money is not a god-given right. Now, you must move to Kansas. The cost of a very nice duplex will be 1/4 of what you are currently paying. Also, you should use that gym that you to become fit enough to only ride a bicycle when you live in Kansas (don’t worry, it’s quite flat there). Next, you must remember the important and true mantra that you must first pay yourself and then the others. Which means that you must ride that bike very fast in order to outrun the creditors when they find you in your sweet country home. Luckily for you, this advice is free.
Mod: Maude just informed me that she though I wrote this question (I most certainly did not) and that’s why her answer was so flip. Apparently she thinks I'm a pauper (I am) and wants me to relocate. Now for some practical advice: the only way to stop overspending and start saving is to monitor your money like a maniac. How many bank accounts do you have? One or two? Not enough. Maude taught me how to open FIVE bank accounts to keep track of my spending:
-Rent and Bills: Obviously this money is a priority. Keep it separated from the rest and you’ll have a clear idea of how much you have left each month. Put your gym and grocery money here as well. It might be a good idea to have your paychecks deposited into this one.
-Spending and Discretionary: Fun money! Money for drinks, eating out, cabs, clothes, the like.
-Spending Savings: Saving up for a plane ticket, Christmas gifts, or some nice boots? Keep that money here.
-Permanent Savings: This is where your real savings live. You should mostly feed this account and rarely take money out.
-Credit Card
Sounds excessive, but it's so easy once you've set it up, you’ll be hooked. Plus, if you’ve put your money away into rent and savings, you’ll be able to stop yourself from overspending – there won’t be anything left in your spending account. Use online banking so you can see everything at once and transfer away (I use Bank of America checking accounts – they get the job done). Best of all, when you waggle you fingertips and talk about how you need to 'move your money around', people will think you’re a billionaire!
P.S. To make yourself go to the gym more, keep track of how many times you go in a month. Divide your monthly gym fee by that number. Cry and find your gym clothes.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Baby Roomie
Dearest Readers,
Mod here. Maude and I would like to apologize for our absence over the past few days. You can rest assured that it was due to extraordinary events: last week Maude entered one of those Delta monstrosities and wound up in Brooklyn. Though we wanted to help you with your troubles, we were desperately busy eating delicious food, having our hair cut, and getting carsick in cabs (from delicious food). We are back at your service, and thank goodness we are, because we just received the most disturbing letter:
M. and M.,
I think the girl I live with is planning on stealing a baby. She hasn't outright said anything, but I've noticed things. Little things. For example, a few days ago I walked in to find the living room walls are pink. Occasionally, when I leave sharp steak knives on the floor of the bathroom she chastens me with a cold, "You better be careful, a baby could really hurt itself on knives like that." I think there's a cup of artificial breast milk in our refrigerator. It's not that I'm upset she's planning to swipe a child from some unsuspecting mother, it's that I really can't be inconvenienced with all of the hassle an additional roommate will cause, even if it means we'll all pay lower rent. It just means another person to clean up after and burp. How can I possibly derail her plan in a manner that doesn't leave her
resenting me?
Thanks,
Anonymous
Dear In Need Of Creative Signature Line,
Maude: Call 911. Do you want to be an accomplice? Although, prison will guarantee that you will no longer be roommates with this crazy person. You are going to have to weigh your options.
Mod: I see several possibilities here, the most obvious being that you are a baby with highly developed technical and vocabulary skills. This would explain the breast milk (you might think it's gross, but it's really good for you), pink walls, and caution about knives. Are you very small under the age of two? Is your roommate your mother? If so, you should stop worrying about the rent and cohabitation and fully commit yourself to activities like screaming and making use of the convenience of diapers. If you are not a baby (physically or emotionally), it sounds like it's time to sit down with your infant-snatcher and have a good old-fashioned roommate talk -- go over kitchen and bathroom responsibilities and slip in that kidnappers are usually prosecuted and that dragging your roommate through the emotional upheavals of a criminal trial is totally inconsiderate.
P.S. Maude just mentioned that perhaps you impregnated your roomie. If you believe this might be the case (you might need to do some internet research), this is a great thing to bring this up in your roommate meeting.
Mod here. Maude and I would like to apologize for our absence over the past few days. You can rest assured that it was due to extraordinary events: last week Maude entered one of those Delta monstrosities and wound up in Brooklyn. Though we wanted to help you with your troubles, we were desperately busy eating delicious food, having our hair cut, and getting carsick in cabs (from delicious food). We are back at your service, and thank goodness we are, because we just received the most disturbing letter:
M. and M.,
I think the girl I live with is planning on stealing a baby. She hasn't outright said anything, but I've noticed things. Little things. For example, a few days ago I walked in to find the living room walls are pink. Occasionally, when I leave sharp steak knives on the floor of the bathroom she chastens me with a cold, "You better be careful, a baby could really hurt itself on knives like that." I think there's a cup of artificial breast milk in our refrigerator. It's not that I'm upset she's planning to swipe a child from some unsuspecting mother, it's that I really can't be inconvenienced with all of the hassle an additional roommate will cause, even if it means we'll all pay lower rent. It just means another person to clean up after and burp. How can I possibly derail her plan in a manner that doesn't leave her
resenting me?
Thanks,
Anonymous
Dear In Need Of Creative Signature Line,
Maude: Call 911. Do you want to be an accomplice? Although, prison will guarantee that you will no longer be roommates with this crazy person. You are going to have to weigh your options.
Mod: I see several possibilities here, the most obvious being that you are a baby with highly developed technical and vocabulary skills. This would explain the breast milk (you might think it's gross, but it's really good for you), pink walls, and caution about knives. Are you very small under the age of two? Is your roommate your mother? If so, you should stop worrying about the rent and cohabitation and fully commit yourself to activities like screaming and making use of the convenience of diapers. If you are not a baby (physically or emotionally), it sounds like it's time to sit down with your infant-snatcher and have a good old-fashioned roommate talk -- go over kitchen and bathroom responsibilities and slip in that kidnappers are usually prosecuted and that dragging your roommate through the emotional upheavals of a criminal trial is totally inconsiderate.
P.S. Maude just mentioned that perhaps you impregnated your roomie. If you believe this might be the case (you might need to do some internet research), this is a great thing to bring this up in your roommate meeting.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
im just not that into u :(
Dear Maude and Mod,
I'm a big believer in treating others like you'd want to be treated. I recently went out with a few guys who just "disappeared" after a few dates - no call, no text, no nothin’. But now, after a few dates with a guy, I'm not interested and find myself ducking his calls. Do I have to come clean and have the "I'm just not that into you" talk, or can I just leave him with silence? And, does the fact that I think he's a dog just trying to get into my pants affect how I cut things off?
Sincerely,
To Text or Not to Text?
Dear Text Questioner,
Maude: Just in case there’s a heaven and a hell, you should go with that treat others well mantra to cover your bases (certainly we know that there is a purgatory and that is our current location). Yes, you do need to have some sort of a talk with him…I am trying to think modernly these days, so I will add that you may certainly let your fingers do the talking. If he is a dog go ahead and throw him a bone, er...a text. As long as this guy isn’t a friend and you’re not going to run into him, go with a white lie – you just started seeing someone, you’re moving, you’re back with your ex – think about what would cause the least amount of grief if someone used it on you.
Mod: These cringe-worthy conversations flash me right back to being asked out by an unfortunately pale, skinny, bespeckled boy named Darren backstage during our 7th grade production of Godspell. I pulled a quick, “I’d rather be your friend than your girlfriend” and ran onstage for 'Day by Day'. You should do the same (run), and, because you won’t have to see him in algebra for the next two years, you can get away with even more. You can tell a little lie, or, if you’re feeling particularly honest or worried about your karma, a simple, “I had a great time with you, but it’s really not there for me” should do the trick. If it’s not there, it’s not there. This guy sounds questionable anyway, so don’t lose sleep to the guiltmonster. Finally, though it’s easiest to do this in a text, I say go for the higher ground and write an email. Or (this should earn you bonus good energy points in your next relationship) suck it up and call him. And move on to greener pastures.
P.S. This post also reminded me of the time in college when Maude sent me a copy of “He’s Just Not that Into You” for no apparent reason. On Valentine’s Day.
I'm a big believer in treating others like you'd want to be treated. I recently went out with a few guys who just "disappeared" after a few dates - no call, no text, no nothin’. But now, after a few dates with a guy, I'm not interested and find myself ducking his calls. Do I have to come clean and have the "I'm just not that into you" talk, or can I just leave him with silence? And, does the fact that I think he's a dog just trying to get into my pants affect how I cut things off?
Sincerely,
To Text or Not to Text?
Dear Text Questioner,
Maude: Just in case there’s a heaven and a hell, you should go with that treat others well mantra to cover your bases (certainly we know that there is a purgatory and that is our current location). Yes, you do need to have some sort of a talk with him…I am trying to think modernly these days, so I will add that you may certainly let your fingers do the talking. If he is a dog go ahead and throw him a bone, er...a text. As long as this guy isn’t a friend and you’re not going to run into him, go with a white lie – you just started seeing someone, you’re moving, you’re back with your ex – think about what would cause the least amount of grief if someone used it on you.
Mod: These cringe-worthy conversations flash me right back to being asked out by an unfortunately pale, skinny, bespeckled boy named Darren backstage during our 7th grade production of Godspell. I pulled a quick, “I’d rather be your friend than your girlfriend” and ran onstage for 'Day by Day'. You should do the same (run), and, because you won’t have to see him in algebra for the next two years, you can get away with even more. You can tell a little lie, or, if you’re feeling particularly honest or worried about your karma, a simple, “I had a great time with you, but it’s really not there for me” should do the trick. If it’s not there, it’s not there. This guy sounds questionable anyway, so don’t lose sleep to the guiltmonster. Finally, though it’s easiest to do this in a text, I say go for the higher ground and write an email. Or (this should earn you bonus good energy points in your next relationship) suck it up and call him. And move on to greener pastures.
P.S. This post also reminded me of the time in college when Maude sent me a copy of “He’s Just Not that Into You” for no apparent reason. On Valentine’s Day.
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