Baby Roomie

Dearest Readers,

Mod here. Maude and I would like to apologize for our absence over the past few days. You can rest assured that it was due to extraordinary events: last week Maude entered one of those Delta monstrosities and wound up in Brooklyn. Though we wanted to help you with your troubles, we were desperately busy eating delicious food, having our hair cut, and getting carsick in cabs (from delicious food). We are back at your service, and thank goodness we are, because we just received the most disturbing letter:

M. and M.,

I think the girl I live with is planning on stealing a baby. She hasn't outright said anything, but I've noticed things. Little things. For example, a few days ago I walked in to find the living room walls are pink. Occasionally, when I leave sharp steak knives on the floor of the bathroom she chastens me with a cold, "You better be careful, a baby could really hurt itself on knives like that." I think there's a cup of artificial breast milk in our refrigerator. It's not that I'm upset she's planning to swipe a child from some unsuspecting mother, it's that I really can't be inconvenienced with all of the hassle an additional roommate will cause, even if it means we'll all pay lower rent. It just means another person to clean up after and burp. How can I possibly derail her plan in a manner that doesn't leave her
resenting me?

Thanks,
Anonymous

Dear In Need Of Creative Signature Line,
Maude: Call 911. Do you want to be an accomplice? Although, prison will guarantee that you will no longer be roommates with this crazy person. You are going to have to weigh your options.
Mod: I see several possibilities here, the most obvious being that you are a baby with highly developed technical and vocabulary skills. This would explain the breast milk (you might think it's gross, but it's really good for you), pink walls, and caution about knives. Are you very small under the age of two? Is your roommate your mother? If so, you should stop worrying about the rent and cohabitation and fully commit yourself to activities like screaming and making use of the convenience of diapers. If you are not a baby (physically or emotionally), it sounds like it's time to sit down with your infant-snatcher and have a good old-fashioned roommate talk -- go over kitchen and bathroom responsibilities and slip in that kidnappers are usually prosecuted and that dragging your roommate through the emotional upheavals of a criminal trial is totally inconsiderate.
P.S. Maude just mentioned that perhaps you impregnated your roomie. If you believe this might be the case (you might need to do some internet research), this is a great thing to bring this up in your roommate meeting.