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Dear Mod and Maude,
I was briefly thrilled and then horrified when my boyfriend ditched his beard for a mustache. I assumed this was a joke and expected it to be gone within days, but it seems to have substantial staying power. He’s trying to convince me that it looks dashing and has launched a photo campaign in my inbox of sexy actors and Latinos (which he is not) with mustaches. I’ve already tried being direct, and all it did was hurt his feelings. On the grand scheme of things, the ‘stache isn’t a big deal, but I think he looks like a 70s porn star, and I want it gone. Help!
-Mustache March Isn't a Real Holiday
Dear Mustache March,
Maude: You have a way with words and the picture of your honey is clearly imprinted on my mind. You report that being direct has not resulted in shaving actions. Your BF has left you with no alternative. Why tell the truth when you can more successfully lie? Telling a fib that is carefully constructed can save everyone involved from complex feelings. Just be simple and direct. I do believe that your Uncle James used to embarrass you with his off-color jokes when you were just an innocent 11 year- old. Unfortunately, Uncle James had a mustache. The connection between mustaches and embarrassment is just too keen which is why you have never dated, much less felt sexy, towards a mustached man. Oh--be sure and mention that this was a repressed memory and that you are sure your BF will notice your increase in libido just as soon as he shaves.
Mod: I agree with Maude wholeheartedly on this one (who doesn’t have a pervy, mustached uncle?) although I’m shocked that she did not mention that she was married to a mustached man for twenty years (they’re still married, he’s now unmustached).
Here are some other things you can try (in succession or all at once):
1. Wince dramatically whenever you’re about to kiss him and his bristles touch you
2. Attempt to grow your own mustache (“I didn’t want yours to be lonely!”)
3. Lavishly praise the smooth upper lips of other men when your BF is around
4. Claim that he has bits of food in his mustache
5. Fake waking up from nightmares about kissing your Uncle James
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
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Dear Mod & Maude,
ReplyDeleteit may be that my sense of smell is thrown off by the moustache, but I catch a whiff of double-standard here. When a woman changes her "look" to reflect her sense of aesthetics, her amorous counterpart is not only expected to notice, but also to provide compliment and encouragement. A man's conscious choice to sport a (well-coiffed) moustache is not something to be punished. His act of thumbing his nose at mindless compliance with social norms should be commended, or at least tolerated - men who think for themselves are sexy, no?
As for the issue of dirty uncles, let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater. Surely it wasn't the moustache that made them dirty. Without the support of open-minded women, respectable men will not be allowed to reclaim the moustache from lechers and autocrats! Rest assured, libidos will not suffer when these newly emboldened gentlemen share the merriment of their triumph.
Kindly,
'Staching Can Be Dashing
As a bearded gentleman I happen to find "Staching can be Dashing"'s comment assuring. Bravo.
ReplyDeleteDear Maude, Mod, 'Staching Can Be Dashing', and most especially 'Mustache March Isn't a Real Holiday,'
ReplyDeleteI have promoted Moustache March for the past seven years. Originally conceived by my best friend and his college mates (this Chapter, anyway), Moustache March began as an attempt at bolstering counter-culture courage in a group of naive 19 year olds. Growing a moustache at that age is difficult business. Aside from the physical limitations (slow growth and sparse coverage, for starters), possession of a moustache at that age is social suicide, and reserved for those deviants/outsiders in dark and baggy clothes. You need to free yourself from the constraints of the status quo to pull it off, and frankly, most just don't have the nerve. Succeed, and you feel as if you could achieve anything.
What's remarkable is that several distinct groups (in different states and/or countries) have come up with their own form of Moustache celebration. Moustache March, Mustache March, Movember, tacheback, to name a few. Better yet, some of the celebrations are actually fundraisers. Tacheback for instance, raises money for a testicular cancer charity. We (as in men) need something like this. I may be out of the loop, but I don't know any other male-specific cancer charities off the top of my head. I know (and support) several womens' cancer charities, but there's a gender imbalance here, which may be fine proportionally-- I don't know the numbers. What I do know is that out-of-place moustaches may have a deeper meaning, and I think that they can be dealt with for one month out of 12.
Back to the superficial side...
Moustaches used to be cool-- see Tom Selleck, the Beatles (in Sgt. Pepper's), and Hercule Poirot. In some cases, they still are-- see Will Smith or Captain Jack Sparrow (aka Johnny Depp). One day they'll be cool again (bell-bottoms and huge sunglasses ring a bell?). Read the post script for the text from a Vanity Fair article on the subject.
'Mustache March isn't a Real Holiday,' I think that you could deal with it for a month, especially if you could deal with a beard. Your boyfriend has the guts to wear a moustache, you just don't have the guts to wear a boyfriend with a moustache. I know the looks people give first hand. In fact, I was with your boyfriend when I got some particularly horrendous scowls due to my whiskers.
Maybe I'm wrong about the 'having the guts' comment. Maybe you take the moustache an affront to your womanhood. I have no idea why some ladies take it that way, but I have witnessed it as well. One year during a study abroad program, I convinced 2 other guys (for a total of 3 of the 4 guys in the program) to participate in Moustache March. Some of the 12 girls on the trip were openly offended. It was absolutely ludicrous. I chalked it up to some militant hyper-feminists in the group (the type that get pissed-off when you hold the door open for them [because you're a man], despite the fact that you continue to hold it open for the guy walking out behind them). Their brilliant counter-attack to Moustache March was 'Armpit April.' Take a guess at what they didn't do. So, are you offended? Ashamed? You can't say that the whiskers rub you the wrong way, or else you'd have to fight the beard as well.
Look, it's just a month. Very few guys will keep their moustache beyond the 31 (in fact, I can only think of one). And honestly, be glad that you aren't with me. I keep my staches for the whole month, and I keep them outlandish.
My apologies for the length of this comment-- I'd make a terrible blogger. But this is a matter near and dear to my heart, and honestly, I've got a lot more to say.
P.S.
(excerpt from Vanity Fair article)
"But sometimes the truth comes at you unexpected. Like maybe riding down from the rooftop bar of a fine New York hotel, after an evening of drinks, in a paneled elevator crowded with not a few beautiful women, some of us yobs from the office, and, in the middle, a single man standing tall, in a dark suit, wearing a mustache.
The space grew quiet, then one of our people—the one who'd had the most to drink—started in: "The mustache. Are we okay with the mustache?" A response came without hesitation or rancor. "Oh, yes, you should try it yourself," the man with the mustache said. "It's empowering." The accent was Merseyside. He sounded like a bodhisattvan Ringo Starr.
But we weren't done with him. "Really? What about maintenance?"
"There's less to do. You don't even think about it."
Our own guy hesitated, paused, and confessed: "The truth is, I have thought about it, but don't know if I could pull it off."
The man nodded. He understood. "You can. It's a declaration. Try it. Set yourself free."
With that, the doors opened and he disappeared into the night. And we were believers. The serious mustache is back."
Dearest 'Staching Can Be Dashing, Jaques Ambivowac, and DPP,
ReplyDeleteHow wonderful to hear from some happily mustached men on this hot topic! Thank you for providing some very informative comments (and a nice excerpt for reference)for our readers. However, you only need to reread my poor reader's post to see the logic in the responses given. First of all, the mustache in question is described as having 'substantial staying power', and, given that we are well into March, I'd imagine this 'stache is planning on hanging around past April Fool's Day, perhaps indefinitely. This calls for more action than patiently waiting it out. Secondly, nowhere does it mention that this mustache is raising money for any kind of cancer -- the only thing it appears to be raising is tension in an otherwise happy relationship. Furthermore, though we applaud you for sniffing out double-standards, we would advise any of our readers, male or female, to address their lover's aesthetic choices when they sincerely bother their partner. If your dear girlfriend inserted a pointy spike into her upper lip and it jabbed you uncomfortably whenever you wanted to get close, we'd certainly advise you to take action. Finally, some mustaches AND some beards provide very uncomfortable skin burn after a passion session. Depending on the physics of the mustache length, height of two individuals, angle of impact, bristle texture and density, and the force with which facial hair collides with skin, severely painful reactions can be produced. A somewhat accurate test: take the softest part of the back of your hand, hold it directly under your mustache, and jam it forcefully upward. Any discomfort you may feel is a mere fraction of what is experienced all over your darling's face.
Go. Wear your mustaches with pride. And hope your partners are still around a month-end.
Love,
Maude and Mod
Oh moustache, how you allude me. How I long to look downward and see you protruding from under my nose. I wish I was able to twist yr ends between more thumb and forefinger. But alas, a thin disposition aligned with the blondest of hairs prevents us from being together.
ReplyDeletePerhaps one day I will know yr ticklish embrace.
<3
This is thankfully a non-issue. The latest trend in male facial hair is to shave all of the hair on your head and face, leaving only a one to two inch wide circle of hair around each ear.
ReplyDeleteAs this look catches on, I'm sure everyone will be happy since the man can express his individuality through an absurd aesthetic choice, and the woman can avoid the pain of a mustached embraced.
The embarrassment in public situations may just be something we'll all learn to live with.