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EEK! Over a week has gone by with no advice. Maude and Mod are deeply sorry, although our readers DO need to provide us with more questions (otherwise we'll have to make them up and they are never as probable when that happens). Luckily, the following question is from a real live reader.
Dear M & M,
My friend has been pushing for a double date with her boyfriend and my husband. Trouble is, her boyfriend's a dud and I've always believed she could do better. (I think she knows this, deep down, but doesn't want to accept it.) I don't think my hubby will enjoy the boyfriend's company. How can I get out of this gracefully?
Sincerely,
Double Date Evader
Dear Double Date Evader,
Maude: How can you get out of this gracefully? Sadly, you cannot. You must go and you must take your delicate husband with you. Believe it or not, he will survive four hours of boredom. This is when all good wives summon the, "I spent mother's day with YOUR mother last year and she is not even MY mother. This is the least you can do."
It will be very helpful if this outing includes an actual activity rather than sitting around with margaritas in someone's cramped apartment trying to 'get to know' one another. Try a movie and then a drink or go bowling or ice-skating. After the evening ends make sure you are quite affectionate as a thank you to that sweet spouse of yours and then you may decline the next 4 invitations your friend offers (unless, of course, you find that all of you actually had a good time). And do not forget the silver lining. It is just possible, actually quite possible, that your GF will see that she has a boring BF, while you have a winner. But then you will have to decline all future invites as she will be at risk of flirting with your husband and we simply cannot have that.
Mod: You hit this one on the head. I'd go with bowling: between taking turns to play and working on a pitcher of beer, you should be just fine.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Indecision 2009
M's,
Lately I’ve been re-evaluating my life path. I spent high school and
college studying and doing things related to humanities and social
sciences, and now I’m taking post-bac premed classes to apply to
medical school for 2011. I’ve always been more passionate about
healthcare than any other field, and becoming a physician appeals to
me because it would be challenging, engaging, and personally
rewarding. However, at the prompting of one of my darling friends, I
took a comprehensive career fit test. I tried to respond as honestly
as possible, and at the end, it told me things about myself that I
should already know, but often ignore or try to overcome. I’m great at
lots of things—I knew that before I took the damn test. But
ultimately, the problem is that I don’t think I would tell someone
with my particular demeanor and skill set to go to medical school.
The meat of my question is this: where do I draw the line between
self-improvement and going against my own nature? Should I seek to be
more detail-oriented, more organized, and less social just because I’m
interested in a specific career? Or is it more beneficial for me to
find something that suits me just as I am? I hate giving up on things,
but I think there’s a point when persistence becomes stupid rather
than courageous. At the same time, I don’t want to have any regrets.
Maude. Mod. Help.
Indecision 2009
Dear Indecision 2009,
Mod: I’m deflecting this one to Maude because I’m going through an identical career crisis. Mom?
Maude: The real question you’re asking has meaning for all of our readers. Can we change our basic personality traits? Should we? At what cost? And, equally importantly, why do we persistently take those ridiculous personality/career tests, anyway?
First, I would like you to sit quietly and imagine your 5-7 year old self. What was your temperament like before you began to adapt to the difficulties of living in this world? Our truest selves, our most sincere selves, were undiluted at this age. (Even the Catholic Church knows this -- no confession until you are age 7 as by then you should have been able to begin adapting to the expectations of the world you actually live in). Do, dear one, sit quietly. Imagine that cute young "you" and ask yourself if you should continue on a career path that is going to be "challenging, engaging, and personally rewarding". What did that mini you want to do all day? What made her happiest? Why, mini Maude remembers clearly that on her 7th birthday she meditated on the unhappy starving children of the world. She decided right then that she would take her shy and quiet self and find a way to save them. And here I am today. See how it works? And for goodness sake, I do wish your generation would stop thinking that the health care field only consists of physicians. There are outstanding people who perform duties as Physician Assistants, nurses, dentists, chiropractors, midwives, and more. And by the way, "giving up on things" is the same thing as "changing my mind" as told to parents and friends at your next dinner party. It is all in the delivery.
Mod: Wasn't 5-7 the age when I refused to wear anything but a party dress and cried at least once a day? Which career is that?
Lately I’ve been re-evaluating my life path. I spent high school and
college studying and doing things related to humanities and social
sciences, and now I’m taking post-bac premed classes to apply to
medical school for 2011. I’ve always been more passionate about
healthcare than any other field, and becoming a physician appeals to
me because it would be challenging, engaging, and personally
rewarding. However, at the prompting of one of my darling friends, I
took a comprehensive career fit test. I tried to respond as honestly
as possible, and at the end, it told me things about myself that I
should already know, but often ignore or try to overcome. I’m great at
lots of things—I knew that before I took the damn test. But
ultimately, the problem is that I don’t think I would tell someone
with my particular demeanor and skill set to go to medical school.
The meat of my question is this: where do I draw the line between
self-improvement and going against my own nature? Should I seek to be
more detail-oriented, more organized, and less social just because I’m
interested in a specific career? Or is it more beneficial for me to
find something that suits me just as I am? I hate giving up on things,
but I think there’s a point when persistence becomes stupid rather
than courageous. At the same time, I don’t want to have any regrets.
Maude. Mod. Help.
Indecision 2009
Dear Indecision 2009,
Mod: I’m deflecting this one to Maude because I’m going through an identical career crisis. Mom?
Maude: The real question you’re asking has meaning for all of our readers. Can we change our basic personality traits? Should we? At what cost? And, equally importantly, why do we persistently take those ridiculous personality/career tests, anyway?
First, I would like you to sit quietly and imagine your 5-7 year old self. What was your temperament like before you began to adapt to the difficulties of living in this world? Our truest selves, our most sincere selves, were undiluted at this age. (Even the Catholic Church knows this -- no confession until you are age 7 as by then you should have been able to begin adapting to the expectations of the world you actually live in). Do, dear one, sit quietly. Imagine that cute young "you" and ask yourself if you should continue on a career path that is going to be "challenging, engaging, and personally rewarding". What did that mini you want to do all day? What made her happiest? Why, mini Maude remembers clearly that on her 7th birthday she meditated on the unhappy starving children of the world. She decided right then that she would take her shy and quiet self and find a way to save them. And here I am today. See how it works? And for goodness sake, I do wish your generation would stop thinking that the health care field only consists of physicians. There are outstanding people who perform duties as Physician Assistants, nurses, dentists, chiropractors, midwives, and more. And by the way, "giving up on things" is the same thing as "changing my mind" as told to parents and friends at your next dinner party. It is all in the delivery.
Mod: Wasn't 5-7 the age when I refused to wear anything but a party dress and cried at least once a day? Which career is that?
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
A Hairy Headache
Dear Mod and Maude,
I was briefly thrilled and then horrified when my boyfriend ditched his beard for a mustache. I assumed this was a joke and expected it to be gone within days, but it seems to have substantial staying power. He’s trying to convince me that it looks dashing and has launched a photo campaign in my inbox of sexy actors and Latinos (which he is not) with mustaches. I’ve already tried being direct, and all it did was hurt his feelings. On the grand scheme of things, the ‘stache isn’t a big deal, but I think he looks like a 70s porn star, and I want it gone. Help!
-Mustache March Isn't a Real Holiday
Dear Mustache March,
Maude: You have a way with words and the picture of your honey is clearly imprinted on my mind. You report that being direct has not resulted in shaving actions. Your BF has left you with no alternative. Why tell the truth when you can more successfully lie? Telling a fib that is carefully constructed can save everyone involved from complex feelings. Just be simple and direct. I do believe that your Uncle James used to embarrass you with his off-color jokes when you were just an innocent 11 year- old. Unfortunately, Uncle James had a mustache. The connection between mustaches and embarrassment is just too keen which is why you have never dated, much less felt sexy, towards a mustached man. Oh--be sure and mention that this was a repressed memory and that you are sure your BF will notice your increase in libido just as soon as he shaves.
Mod: I agree with Maude wholeheartedly on this one (who doesn’t have a pervy, mustached uncle?) although I’m shocked that she did not mention that she was married to a mustached man for twenty years (they’re still married, he’s now unmustached).
Here are some other things you can try (in succession or all at once):
1. Wince dramatically whenever you’re about to kiss him and his bristles touch you
2. Attempt to grow your own mustache (“I didn’t want yours to be lonely!”)
3. Lavishly praise the smooth upper lips of other men when your BF is around
4. Claim that he has bits of food in his mustache
5. Fake waking up from nightmares about kissing your Uncle James
I was briefly thrilled and then horrified when my boyfriend ditched his beard for a mustache. I assumed this was a joke and expected it to be gone within days, but it seems to have substantial staying power. He’s trying to convince me that it looks dashing and has launched a photo campaign in my inbox of sexy actors and Latinos (which he is not) with mustaches. I’ve already tried being direct, and all it did was hurt his feelings. On the grand scheme of things, the ‘stache isn’t a big deal, but I think he looks like a 70s porn star, and I want it gone. Help!
-Mustache March Isn't a Real Holiday
Dear Mustache March,
Maude: You have a way with words and the picture of your honey is clearly imprinted on my mind. You report that being direct has not resulted in shaving actions. Your BF has left you with no alternative. Why tell the truth when you can more successfully lie? Telling a fib that is carefully constructed can save everyone involved from complex feelings. Just be simple and direct. I do believe that your Uncle James used to embarrass you with his off-color jokes when you were just an innocent 11 year- old. Unfortunately, Uncle James had a mustache. The connection between mustaches and embarrassment is just too keen which is why you have never dated, much less felt sexy, towards a mustached man. Oh--be sure and mention that this was a repressed memory and that you are sure your BF will notice your increase in libido just as soon as he shaves.
Mod: I agree with Maude wholeheartedly on this one (who doesn’t have a pervy, mustached uncle?) although I’m shocked that she did not mention that she was married to a mustached man for twenty years (they’re still married, he’s now unmustached).
Here are some other things you can try (in succession or all at once):
1. Wince dramatically whenever you’re about to kiss him and his bristles touch you
2. Attempt to grow your own mustache (“I didn’t want yours to be lonely!”)
3. Lavishly praise the smooth upper lips of other men when your BF is around
4. Claim that he has bits of food in his mustache
5. Fake waking up from nightmares about kissing your Uncle James
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
When the recession is a' rockin'....
Dear M & M,
Like any savvy twenty-something, I started an online budget as my New Year's resolution, to actually track where my money was going. Lo and behold, I spend over half my salary on rent (not surprising) and most of the rest on wining and dining, so to speak (more like sushi delivery and nights of binge drinking).
I've already started bringing lunch to work, stopped shopping (mostly, anyhow) and ordering delivery; but, I'm still spending well above what I need to in order to start on my savings plan - which means actually saving some -- or any -- money, really.
I get depressed just thinking about not going out for dinner/drinks/happy hour to see friends, indulging in the subsequent cab ride home that will ensue or canceling my gym membership (which I'm really planning on using - honest). How do I save without sacrificing my social life and/or mental health?
Spoiled & Broke
Dear Spoiled & Broke,
Maude: Just from your signature line and general brilliance, I imagine that your parents provided you with a stellar education at, no doubt, an elite and expensive school. Now they (silly them) expect you to pay your own way in this cruel world. What, you ask, can you do to straighten out this frightening situation? To begin, you deserve a round of applause for at least trying to curb you natural tendency to excess and your awareness that gobs of money is not a god-given right. Now, you must move to Kansas. The cost of a very nice duplex will be 1/4 of what you are currently paying. Also, you should use that gym that you to become fit enough to only ride a bicycle when you live in Kansas (don’t worry, it’s quite flat there). Next, you must remember the important and true mantra that you must first pay yourself and then the others. Which means that you must ride that bike very fast in order to outrun the creditors when they find you in your sweet country home. Luckily for you, this advice is free.
Mod: Maude just informed me that she though I wrote this question (I most certainly did not) and that’s why her answer was so flip. Apparently she thinks I'm a pauper (I am) and wants me to relocate. Now for some practical advice: the only way to stop overspending and start saving is to monitor your money like a maniac. How many bank accounts do you have? One or two? Not enough. Maude taught me how to open FIVE bank accounts to keep track of my spending:
-Rent and Bills: Obviously this money is a priority. Keep it separated from the rest and you’ll have a clear idea of how much you have left each month. Put your gym and grocery money here as well. It might be a good idea to have your paychecks deposited into this one.
-Spending and Discretionary: Fun money! Money for drinks, eating out, cabs, clothes, the like.
-Spending Savings: Saving up for a plane ticket, Christmas gifts, or some nice boots? Keep that money here.
-Permanent Savings: This is where your real savings live. You should mostly feed this account and rarely take money out.
-Credit Card
Sounds excessive, but it's so easy once you've set it up, you’ll be hooked. Plus, if you’ve put your money away into rent and savings, you’ll be able to stop yourself from overspending – there won’t be anything left in your spending account. Use online banking so you can see everything at once and transfer away (I use Bank of America checking accounts – they get the job done). Best of all, when you waggle you fingertips and talk about how you need to 'move your money around', people will think you’re a billionaire!
P.S. To make yourself go to the gym more, keep track of how many times you go in a month. Divide your monthly gym fee by that number. Cry and find your gym clothes.
Like any savvy twenty-something, I started an online budget as my New Year's resolution, to actually track where my money was going. Lo and behold, I spend over half my salary on rent (not surprising) and most of the rest on wining and dining, so to speak (more like sushi delivery and nights of binge drinking).
I've already started bringing lunch to work, stopped shopping (mostly, anyhow) and ordering delivery; but, I'm still spending well above what I need to in order to start on my savings plan - which means actually saving some -- or any -- money, really.
I get depressed just thinking about not going out for dinner/drinks/happy hour to see friends, indulging in the subsequent cab ride home that will ensue or canceling my gym membership (which I'm really planning on using - honest). How do I save without sacrificing my social life and/or mental health?
Spoiled & Broke
Dear Spoiled & Broke,
Maude: Just from your signature line and general brilliance, I imagine that your parents provided you with a stellar education at, no doubt, an elite and expensive school. Now they (silly them) expect you to pay your own way in this cruel world. What, you ask, can you do to straighten out this frightening situation? To begin, you deserve a round of applause for at least trying to curb you natural tendency to excess and your awareness that gobs of money is not a god-given right. Now, you must move to Kansas. The cost of a very nice duplex will be 1/4 of what you are currently paying. Also, you should use that gym that you to become fit enough to only ride a bicycle when you live in Kansas (don’t worry, it’s quite flat there). Next, you must remember the important and true mantra that you must first pay yourself and then the others. Which means that you must ride that bike very fast in order to outrun the creditors when they find you in your sweet country home. Luckily for you, this advice is free.
Mod: Maude just informed me that she though I wrote this question (I most certainly did not) and that’s why her answer was so flip. Apparently she thinks I'm a pauper (I am) and wants me to relocate. Now for some practical advice: the only way to stop overspending and start saving is to monitor your money like a maniac. How many bank accounts do you have? One or two? Not enough. Maude taught me how to open FIVE bank accounts to keep track of my spending:
-Rent and Bills: Obviously this money is a priority. Keep it separated from the rest and you’ll have a clear idea of how much you have left each month. Put your gym and grocery money here as well. It might be a good idea to have your paychecks deposited into this one.
-Spending and Discretionary: Fun money! Money for drinks, eating out, cabs, clothes, the like.
-Spending Savings: Saving up for a plane ticket, Christmas gifts, or some nice boots? Keep that money here.
-Permanent Savings: This is where your real savings live. You should mostly feed this account and rarely take money out.
-Credit Card
Sounds excessive, but it's so easy once you've set it up, you’ll be hooked. Plus, if you’ve put your money away into rent and savings, you’ll be able to stop yourself from overspending – there won’t be anything left in your spending account. Use online banking so you can see everything at once and transfer away (I use Bank of America checking accounts – they get the job done). Best of all, when you waggle you fingertips and talk about how you need to 'move your money around', people will think you’re a billionaire!
P.S. To make yourself go to the gym more, keep track of how many times you go in a month. Divide your monthly gym fee by that number. Cry and find your gym clothes.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Baby Roomie
Dearest Readers,
Mod here. Maude and I would like to apologize for our absence over the past few days. You can rest assured that it was due to extraordinary events: last week Maude entered one of those Delta monstrosities and wound up in Brooklyn. Though we wanted to help you with your troubles, we were desperately busy eating delicious food, having our hair cut, and getting carsick in cabs (from delicious food). We are back at your service, and thank goodness we are, because we just received the most disturbing letter:
M. and M.,
I think the girl I live with is planning on stealing a baby. She hasn't outright said anything, but I've noticed things. Little things. For example, a few days ago I walked in to find the living room walls are pink. Occasionally, when I leave sharp steak knives on the floor of the bathroom she chastens me with a cold, "You better be careful, a baby could really hurt itself on knives like that." I think there's a cup of artificial breast milk in our refrigerator. It's not that I'm upset she's planning to swipe a child from some unsuspecting mother, it's that I really can't be inconvenienced with all of the hassle an additional roommate will cause, even if it means we'll all pay lower rent. It just means another person to clean up after and burp. How can I possibly derail her plan in a manner that doesn't leave her
resenting me?
Thanks,
Anonymous
Dear In Need Of Creative Signature Line,
Maude: Call 911. Do you want to be an accomplice? Although, prison will guarantee that you will no longer be roommates with this crazy person. You are going to have to weigh your options.
Mod: I see several possibilities here, the most obvious being that you are a baby with highly developed technical and vocabulary skills. This would explain the breast milk (you might think it's gross, but it's really good for you), pink walls, and caution about knives. Are you very small under the age of two? Is your roommate your mother? If so, you should stop worrying about the rent and cohabitation and fully commit yourself to activities like screaming and making use of the convenience of diapers. If you are not a baby (physically or emotionally), it sounds like it's time to sit down with your infant-snatcher and have a good old-fashioned roommate talk -- go over kitchen and bathroom responsibilities and slip in that kidnappers are usually prosecuted and that dragging your roommate through the emotional upheavals of a criminal trial is totally inconsiderate.
P.S. Maude just mentioned that perhaps you impregnated your roomie. If you believe this might be the case (you might need to do some internet research), this is a great thing to bring this up in your roommate meeting.
Mod here. Maude and I would like to apologize for our absence over the past few days. You can rest assured that it was due to extraordinary events: last week Maude entered one of those Delta monstrosities and wound up in Brooklyn. Though we wanted to help you with your troubles, we were desperately busy eating delicious food, having our hair cut, and getting carsick in cabs (from delicious food). We are back at your service, and thank goodness we are, because we just received the most disturbing letter:
M. and M.,
I think the girl I live with is planning on stealing a baby. She hasn't outright said anything, but I've noticed things. Little things. For example, a few days ago I walked in to find the living room walls are pink. Occasionally, when I leave sharp steak knives on the floor of the bathroom she chastens me with a cold, "You better be careful, a baby could really hurt itself on knives like that." I think there's a cup of artificial breast milk in our refrigerator. It's not that I'm upset she's planning to swipe a child from some unsuspecting mother, it's that I really can't be inconvenienced with all of the hassle an additional roommate will cause, even if it means we'll all pay lower rent. It just means another person to clean up after and burp. How can I possibly derail her plan in a manner that doesn't leave her
resenting me?
Thanks,
Anonymous
Dear In Need Of Creative Signature Line,
Maude: Call 911. Do you want to be an accomplice? Although, prison will guarantee that you will no longer be roommates with this crazy person. You are going to have to weigh your options.
Mod: I see several possibilities here, the most obvious being that you are a baby with highly developed technical and vocabulary skills. This would explain the breast milk (you might think it's gross, but it's really good for you), pink walls, and caution about knives. Are you very small under the age of two? Is your roommate your mother? If so, you should stop worrying about the rent and cohabitation and fully commit yourself to activities like screaming and making use of the convenience of diapers. If you are not a baby (physically or emotionally), it sounds like it's time to sit down with your infant-snatcher and have a good old-fashioned roommate talk -- go over kitchen and bathroom responsibilities and slip in that kidnappers are usually prosecuted and that dragging your roommate through the emotional upheavals of a criminal trial is totally inconsiderate.
P.S. Maude just mentioned that perhaps you impregnated your roomie. If you believe this might be the case (you might need to do some internet research), this is a great thing to bring this up in your roommate meeting.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
im just not that into u :(
Dear Maude and Mod,
I'm a big believer in treating others like you'd want to be treated. I recently went out with a few guys who just "disappeared" after a few dates - no call, no text, no nothin’. But now, after a few dates with a guy, I'm not interested and find myself ducking his calls. Do I have to come clean and have the "I'm just not that into you" talk, or can I just leave him with silence? And, does the fact that I think he's a dog just trying to get into my pants affect how I cut things off?
Sincerely,
To Text or Not to Text?
Dear Text Questioner,
Maude: Just in case there’s a heaven and a hell, you should go with that treat others well mantra to cover your bases (certainly we know that there is a purgatory and that is our current location). Yes, you do need to have some sort of a talk with him…I am trying to think modernly these days, so I will add that you may certainly let your fingers do the talking. If he is a dog go ahead and throw him a bone, er...a text. As long as this guy isn’t a friend and you’re not going to run into him, go with a white lie – you just started seeing someone, you’re moving, you’re back with your ex – think about what would cause the least amount of grief if someone used it on you.
Mod: These cringe-worthy conversations flash me right back to being asked out by an unfortunately pale, skinny, bespeckled boy named Darren backstage during our 7th grade production of Godspell. I pulled a quick, “I’d rather be your friend than your girlfriend” and ran onstage for 'Day by Day'. You should do the same (run), and, because you won’t have to see him in algebra for the next two years, you can get away with even more. You can tell a little lie, or, if you’re feeling particularly honest or worried about your karma, a simple, “I had a great time with you, but it’s really not there for me” should do the trick. If it’s not there, it’s not there. This guy sounds questionable anyway, so don’t lose sleep to the guiltmonster. Finally, though it’s easiest to do this in a text, I say go for the higher ground and write an email. Or (this should earn you bonus good energy points in your next relationship) suck it up and call him. And move on to greener pastures.
P.S. This post also reminded me of the time in college when Maude sent me a copy of “He’s Just Not that Into You” for no apparent reason. On Valentine’s Day.
I'm a big believer in treating others like you'd want to be treated. I recently went out with a few guys who just "disappeared" after a few dates - no call, no text, no nothin’. But now, after a few dates with a guy, I'm not interested and find myself ducking his calls. Do I have to come clean and have the "I'm just not that into you" talk, or can I just leave him with silence? And, does the fact that I think he's a dog just trying to get into my pants affect how I cut things off?
Sincerely,
To Text or Not to Text?
Dear Text Questioner,
Maude: Just in case there’s a heaven and a hell, you should go with that treat others well mantra to cover your bases (certainly we know that there is a purgatory and that is our current location). Yes, you do need to have some sort of a talk with him…I am trying to think modernly these days, so I will add that you may certainly let your fingers do the talking. If he is a dog go ahead and throw him a bone, er...a text. As long as this guy isn’t a friend and you’re not going to run into him, go with a white lie – you just started seeing someone, you’re moving, you’re back with your ex – think about what would cause the least amount of grief if someone used it on you.
Mod: These cringe-worthy conversations flash me right back to being asked out by an unfortunately pale, skinny, bespeckled boy named Darren backstage during our 7th grade production of Godspell. I pulled a quick, “I’d rather be your friend than your girlfriend” and ran onstage for 'Day by Day'. You should do the same (run), and, because you won’t have to see him in algebra for the next two years, you can get away with even more. You can tell a little lie, or, if you’re feeling particularly honest or worried about your karma, a simple, “I had a great time with you, but it’s really not there for me” should do the trick. If it’s not there, it’s not there. This guy sounds questionable anyway, so don’t lose sleep to the guiltmonster. Finally, though it’s easiest to do this in a text, I say go for the higher ground and write an email. Or (this should earn you bonus good energy points in your next relationship) suck it up and call him. And move on to greener pastures.
P.S. This post also reminded me of the time in college when Maude sent me a copy of “He’s Just Not that Into You” for no apparent reason. On Valentine’s Day.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
To Shot or Not to Shot?
Dear M and M,
Recently, I was at a bar with two girlfriends. We were having a great time, enjoying each other's company and singing along to the music at the bar. This group of clearly intoxicated boys wearing Slipknot sweatshirts (does anyone actually listen to that band?!) decided to sit down at the table next to us. This usually would be fine because my friends and I are very open to talking to new people and making friends. Well, instead of introductions -- which usually is how one begins a conversation -- these boys decided to ask us if we wanted shots. Clearly we weren't going home with any of them but, to be honest, we love shots - especially free ones. Do we take the shots, knowing full well that this night is going no further than shots, or should we have turned them down as to not lead the boys on?
Sincerely,
Shot Lover Who Hates Heavy Metal
Recently, I was at a bar with two girlfriends. We were having a great time, enjoying each other's company and singing along to the music at the bar. This group of clearly intoxicated boys wearing Slipknot sweatshirts (does anyone actually listen to that band?!) decided to sit down at the table next to us. This usually would be fine because my friends and I are very open to talking to new people and making friends. Well, instead of introductions -- which usually is how one begins a conversation -- these boys decided to ask us if we wanted shots. Clearly we weren't going home with any of them but, to be honest, we love shots - especially free ones. Do we take the shots, knowing full well that this night is going no further than shots, or should we have turned them down as to not lead the boys on?
Sincerely,
Shot Lover Who Hates Heavy Metal
Dear Shot Lover,
Maude: This was certainly a disturbing visual before my first cup of coffee. Three lovely young women sitting at a bar enjoying the company of their own little group when disturbingly-dressed boys invaded their space. "Well, what’s done is done, they have ruined our ambiance," you thought amongst yourselves, "Ah, the offer of free shots seems to be good payback." Perhaps the boys were hoping for a different type of currency to be exchanged later in the evening. But where, I wonder? Do you take drunken men to your own apartment and risk upsetting your super with a mess in the elevator? Or do you go to this stranger’s apartment and risk all sorts of unimaginable issues such as mold in the bathroom and toilet seats being left up?
At any rate, letting them pay with shots for your loss of privacy and disturbing the visual surrounding seems fair all around. They get your sober company and the vain hope of a later soirée and you get free drinks. To make this scene a bit more fair, should that be your concern (although when it comes to sober vs. drunk it is pretty clear who has the upper hand), you could simply tell them that each on of you is engaged but would be glad to accept their offer as your fiances are currently unemployed. You could also mention that you are hungry.
Mod: Ah, the free drink question, one nearly as old as the chicken and the egg. No one likes to feel indebted, but times are tough, and shots are expensive. I’m not sure the gentlemen in question saw their offer as compensating for invading your privacy (one doesn’t typically go to a fun bar when they want to hide from the world), however, that’s not to say you can’t take those shots with semi-open arms. Those boys were paying for your company (in their own abrasive, drunken way), and, as long as you didn’t throw back your shots and run away, they were probably happy to drink with you for awhile. Now, if the drinks continued coming, a little damage control (you girls buying them a round, casually slipping in that your boyfriend loves this bar and how much it sucks that he’s at home with the flu, etc) may be in order so that things don’t get awkward. Overall, be nice, make sure those boys don’t empty their wallets on you, and have fun with their drunken selves.
P.S. If your group had been able to convince any of them to burn their Slipknot sweatshirts, drink all you can: no bar tab is too high for that life-changing advice.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Psychic Equations
Dear Maude and Mod,
I am a 25 year old female, living in New York with my girlfriend of 2 years and my dog. I am very very happy, except, like most 25 year olds, with my career.
I somewhat randomly and magically decided I want to be Occupational Therapist and have begun volunteering and taking the pre-requisites I need to apply for grad schools with an OT program. Due to program offerings and finances, going to school in New York City is not an option. So, I begrudgingly have been trying to formulate a plan to move.
My girlfriend has said she wants to move with me which I am ecstatic about, but it makes me very nervous too. Though she isn't happy in her career either, she has cushy well-paying job in New York that is rare in our current economy. I don't want to be the reason for her leaving her job and moving to a new city where she will most likely not be able to find as high-paying of a job. I worry that the stress of her being in a new city without reason to be there beyond me will strain our relationship and at worst, break it. We have discussed the possibility of having a long distance relationship for awhile because of this problem, but because she dislikes her job, would be away from me, and the dog... long distance doesn't seem like a good option either. I feel like the options outside of New York are unhappy and together, or unhappy and apart.
Maude and Mod; Please find me a resolution that is just as unexpected and magical as my decision to pursue Occupational Therapy! Or, just send me a trust fund; that would suffice.
Sincerely,
Unhappy and together? Or, unhappy and apart?
Dearest Unhappy Together/Apart,
Maude: Let us not waste time nor ink in clarifying your situation any longer! All you need to do is reread your writing, and, like gazing into a crystal ball, you will see what I see. Or perhaps not, as not all have been given my talents (except, of course, Mod). The words that you need to memorize are ..."she dislikes her job". You would not exactly be twisting her arm to go along with you – in fact, in what may be a plan of divine intervention – it seems that this is a good time for her to move and find a career that she loves. You are being blind to the great fortune that has been handed to you: out of the blue you decide to be an OT, you find your volunteering satisfying enough that you are moving forward AND your special intimate other WANTS to go with you. I warn you that the gods will not look favorably on your ingratitude.
I will leave you to dwell on this wisdom with the caveat that you really should make sure that your school and new location are as desirable as possible. That way no one feels stranded and everyone is a bit happier.
Go in Peace.
Mod: Wow. In English: you know for sure that you are going to be unhappy if you are apart. You do not know (though there is a chance of it) that you will be unhappy if you are together in a new place – in fact, it's quite possible that you'll be somewhat/mostly/completely happy outside of New York. Therefore, through some complex laws of probability, I say go with the moving together. Beyond the math (which I’m quite good at, I might add, having taken an incredible online math course), there’s this: you can agonize and fret about your beloved’s happiness, but this decision is really up to her. If she decides to move with you, she is taking it all into consideration (leaving New York, leaving her job, adjusting to a new place where her girlfriend is in school) and that makes her an equal participant for her own happiness. Feeling like all of her well-being is on you will make you both crazy. Finally, doing long distance for a brief, set amount of time (a few months) may be beneficial if that’s the way you want to go. You’ll get to settle in on your own and you’ll both miss one another enough to be certain about her move. Good luck on your magical future!
P.S. I feel you on the delayed trust fund: I’ve been waiting for mine for an awfully long time and Maude just doesn’t seem to be cooperating.
I am a 25 year old female, living in New York with my girlfriend of 2 years and my dog. I am very very happy, except, like most 25 year olds, with my career.
I somewhat randomly and magically decided I want to be Occupational Therapist and have begun volunteering and taking the pre-requisites I need to apply for grad schools with an OT program. Due to program offerings and finances, going to school in New York City is not an option. So, I begrudgingly have been trying to formulate a plan to move.
My girlfriend has said she wants to move with me which I am ecstatic about, but it makes me very nervous too. Though she isn't happy in her career either, she has cushy well-paying job in New York that is rare in our current economy. I don't want to be the reason for her leaving her job and moving to a new city where she will most likely not be able to find as high-paying of a job. I worry that the stress of her being in a new city without reason to be there beyond me will strain our relationship and at worst, break it. We have discussed the possibility of having a long distance relationship for awhile because of this problem, but because she dislikes her job, would be away from me, and the dog... long distance doesn't seem like a good option either. I feel like the options outside of New York are unhappy and together, or unhappy and apart.
Maude and Mod; Please find me a resolution that is just as unexpected and magical as my decision to pursue Occupational Therapy! Or, just send me a trust fund; that would suffice.
Sincerely,
Unhappy and together? Or, unhappy and apart?
Dearest Unhappy Together/Apart,
Maude: Let us not waste time nor ink in clarifying your situation any longer! All you need to do is reread your writing, and, like gazing into a crystal ball, you will see what I see. Or perhaps not, as not all have been given my talents (except, of course, Mod). The words that you need to memorize are ..."she dislikes her job". You would not exactly be twisting her arm to go along with you – in fact, in what may be a plan of divine intervention – it seems that this is a good time for her to move and find a career that she loves. You are being blind to the great fortune that has been handed to you: out of the blue you decide to be an OT, you find your volunteering satisfying enough that you are moving forward AND your special intimate other WANTS to go with you. I warn you that the gods will not look favorably on your ingratitude.
I will leave you to dwell on this wisdom with the caveat that you really should make sure that your school and new location are as desirable as possible. That way no one feels stranded and everyone is a bit happier.
Go in Peace.
Mod: Wow. In English: you know for sure that you are going to be unhappy if you are apart. You do not know (though there is a chance of it) that you will be unhappy if you are together in a new place – in fact, it's quite possible that you'll be somewhat/mostly/completely happy outside of New York. Therefore, through some complex laws of probability, I say go with the moving together. Beyond the math (which I’m quite good at, I might add, having taken an incredible online math course), there’s this: you can agonize and fret about your beloved’s happiness, but this decision is really up to her. If she decides to move with you, she is taking it all into consideration (leaving New York, leaving her job, adjusting to a new place where her girlfriend is in school) and that makes her an equal participant for her own happiness. Feeling like all of her well-being is on you will make you both crazy. Finally, doing long distance for a brief, set amount of time (a few months) may be beneficial if that’s the way you want to go. You’ll get to settle in on your own and you’ll both miss one another enough to be certain about her move. Good luck on your magical future!
P.S. I feel you on the delayed trust fund: I’ve been waiting for mine for an awfully long time and Maude just doesn’t seem to be cooperating.
Stuck in the Middle
Dear Mod and Maude,
I have two friends that are a couple. I used to be better friends with T, the guy, but now I seem to be closer to the girl, B. B has revealed to me that she's been cheating on T for awhile now, with multiple guys. She's recently called and left me a message saying that she told T she was hanging out with me when she was actually going to see another guy. I didn't get a chance to say whether or not I agreed to this arrangement. I know she's planning on leaving him eventually, and his world will be wrecked - I really feel like she needs to do it now rather than later. She talks about her cheating in such a cavalier way and I'm having trouble not saying anything judgmental. Should I say something to B, and if so, what?
Thanks,
Inadvertently Aiding and Abetting
Dear IA&A,
Maude: Life is simply too short not to be judgmental! Let’s look at what you’re gaining by keeping your mouth shut. Hmm…
a) A friendship with a girl whom you do not respect and do not trust (if she’s lying to him, what will keep her from lying to you?), who – I promise this will be one of her misguided steps – will "blame" you for something at some point.
b) The very solid chance that you will get a phone call from the guy in crisis as he has somehow contracted an STD. He will just not know how that could happened… you get the picture.
c) A follow-up call from your brokenhearted friend who has just discovered he’s been cheated on and has so many questions.
d) And, a very guilty conscious throughout.
I think that you will be forced at some point to part ways with this dishonest and immature person: this girl (I applaud you for not calling her a woman) who takes no responsibility for her BF or her friend's well being. So--yes, you most definitely should say something to B. That would be "goodbye". Just in case you are not up to that type of absoluteness, you also have the option of telling B that she has 24 hours to come clean with T or you will spill the beans.
Courage.
Mod: Ew. What a scorching stew of emotional ethics. First things first, no matter how forcefully you want to draw the line about B’s cheating, she had no right to say she was with you when she wasn’t. That’s classic 13-year-old saying you’re at a sleepover when you’re meeting boys in the park behavior: when you get caught, everyone is in trouble, even the poor girl who didn’t know she was having a sleepover. You need to let B know that this behavior was not ok with you and can’t happen again. Then, since you’ve launched into the conversation, you must tell her how you feel about the situation (obvs, prepare this speech ahead of time so that she doesn’t pull you in with her wily ways). In my mind (which, as usual, is a bit less dramatic than Maude’s), your line of speech could go something like this:
1. Tell her that you disagree with her choices and that they are making it hard to be her friend (it’s possible that no one has actually come out and said this)
2. Ask her what she’s planning to do. If she doesn’t know, or doesn’t plan to tell your friend, let her know that you disagree with this.
3. If she still doesn’t commit to telling him, tell her that you are not going to be able to stay friends with her (because she’s hurting one of your friends) and you will eagerly await her call when she’s come clean.
4. Finally, and this is only something you can decide, determine whether you should tell T. Whose friendship are you most invested in keeping in the long run? If B breaks up with him and doesn’t tell him about the cheating, is it better for him not to know? If he finds out about the cheating and asks you if you knew about it, what will you say?
Make a decision, stick with it, and buy yourself a $10 margarita for having to put up with other people’s obnoxious folly.
I have two friends that are a couple. I used to be better friends with T, the guy, but now I seem to be closer to the girl, B. B has revealed to me that she's been cheating on T for awhile now, with multiple guys. She's recently called and left me a message saying that she told T she was hanging out with me when she was actually going to see another guy. I didn't get a chance to say whether or not I agreed to this arrangement. I know she's planning on leaving him eventually, and his world will be wrecked - I really feel like she needs to do it now rather than later. She talks about her cheating in such a cavalier way and I'm having trouble not saying anything judgmental. Should I say something to B, and if so, what?
Thanks,
Inadvertently Aiding and Abetting
Dear IA&A,
Maude: Life is simply too short not to be judgmental! Let’s look at what you’re gaining by keeping your mouth shut. Hmm…
a) A friendship with a girl whom you do not respect and do not trust (if she’s lying to him, what will keep her from lying to you?), who – I promise this will be one of her misguided steps – will "blame" you for something at some point.
b) The very solid chance that you will get a phone call from the guy in crisis as he has somehow contracted an STD. He will just not know how that could happened… you get the picture.
c) A follow-up call from your brokenhearted friend who has just discovered he’s been cheated on and has so many questions.
d) And, a very guilty conscious throughout.
I think that you will be forced at some point to part ways with this dishonest and immature person: this girl (I applaud you for not calling her a woman) who takes no responsibility for her BF or her friend's well being. So--yes, you most definitely should say something to B. That would be "goodbye". Just in case you are not up to that type of absoluteness, you also have the option of telling B that she has 24 hours to come clean with T or you will spill the beans.
Courage.
Mod: Ew. What a scorching stew of emotional ethics. First things first, no matter how forcefully you want to draw the line about B’s cheating, she had no right to say she was with you when she wasn’t. That’s classic 13-year-old saying you’re at a sleepover when you’re meeting boys in the park behavior: when you get caught, everyone is in trouble, even the poor girl who didn’t know she was having a sleepover. You need to let B know that this behavior was not ok with you and can’t happen again. Then, since you’ve launched into the conversation, you must tell her how you feel about the situation (obvs, prepare this speech ahead of time so that she doesn’t pull you in with her wily ways). In my mind (which, as usual, is a bit less dramatic than Maude’s), your line of speech could go something like this:
1. Tell her that you disagree with her choices and that they are making it hard to be her friend (it’s possible that no one has actually come out and said this)
2. Ask her what she’s planning to do. If she doesn’t know, or doesn’t plan to tell your friend, let her know that you disagree with this.
3. If she still doesn’t commit to telling him, tell her that you are not going to be able to stay friends with her (because she’s hurting one of your friends) and you will eagerly await her call when she’s come clean.
4. Finally, and this is only something you can decide, determine whether you should tell T. Whose friendship are you most invested in keeping in the long run? If B breaks up with him and doesn’t tell him about the cheating, is it better for him not to know? If he finds out about the cheating and asks you if you knew about it, what will you say?
Make a decision, stick with it, and buy yourself a $10 margarita for having to put up with other people’s obnoxious folly.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Manic Organic
Hi Maude and Mod,
I have been with my girlfriend for about two years. She is very into all things that are "new age-y".
I have been with my girlfriend for about two years. She is very into all things that are "new age-y".
This includes:
- constantly monitoring other people's recycling
- yoga, sometimes twice a day (big time commitment)
- acupuncture
- eating only organically and "whole" foods (this means that an apple is better than say dried apple rings in a bag)
- no caffeine, no exceptions
- timing her circadian rhythms
- intense skin care (also time-consuming)
The list goes on, but you get the idea: total purist holistic living.
I am healthy, never a serious medical concern in my life, but its like everything I do is somehow either a detriment to my own health or the social good. (Example: once when we were living together, she found a battery in the trash can and we had to cancel all our plans for the day she was so upset). Ironically, it seems that this lifestyle causes her more harm than good. It's like a chain effect: her yoga instructor tells her that she needs to do a liver cleanse, then while doing the liver cleanse, she gets sick from eating only olive oil and green apples all day, so she has to go to the doctor, the doctor perscribes medication, but since medication isn't organic she has to go to acupuncture, and on and on. The real issue here is she kind of lords her lifestyle over me and lately I have really started to question why she can't accept the way I live (which, I can't stress this enough, is remarkably healthy compared to 99% of the population).
Every time I try to bring this up she is really nice about it (but in that "let's not put bad energy into the room" kind of way) and says she will stop, but it doesn't really stop, it just becomes less obvious, which actually makes the judgment that much stronger. It's driving me crazy. What do I do?
Thank You,
Behind the Times or Right on Point?
Dear Behind the Times:
Maude: Oh, how painful it was to read your letter. Emotionally, not physically (although I do have some eye strain). Your GF was me at age 24. How obnoxious I was the year I turned vegan and eschewed all things animal -- well, except the opposite sex, but I digress. Finding non-leather shoes was a real challenge in the 70s. Thank goodness we did not recycle or I would have become totally friendless. I broke up with one well-meaning BF because he did not think highly of my book written by Ram Dass: the day I found myself tucking it under the couch as he approached my apartment, I knew he had to go (the BF, not Ram). However, longevity does, in this case, give insight. Plain and simple: you are both right. She has the right to her newfound Zen lifestyle and you have the right to just live like a normal person. Sadly, I must tell you that this relationship cannot go forward for another decade, at least. She will mellow as life takes its toll and you will become more defined about who YOU are. Currently, you are misleading your rigid and critical GF by pretending that you’re happy being the earth-lover she wants you to be when, in fact, you really just want to be yourself. So, meditate on that for awhile, eat some hemp, and then look yourself in the mirror and move on.
Mod: That was dramatic, Mom. Looks like you tapped into some prime hippie nostalgia. Behind the Times, I don’t think you have to wait a decade to be happy with your girlfriend. I think you need to have a serious, sit-down-let-it-out-until-you-can’t-talk-anymore-then-go-get-soy-cheese-pizza conversation. Definitely wait until you are face-to-face for this one. Explain that you are not objecting to her commitment to her health and the environment. You’re objecting to these things getting in the way of the two of you functioning like normal people in a normal relationship. It would be the same thing if you refused to go to vegetarian dinner parties and couldn’t go on normal excursions with her because you were too full of bacon and cigarette smoke. When someone’s lifestyle choices (organic, alcoholic, etc) significantly infringe on the workings of your relationship, you’ve got a problem. So she just needs to pull it back when you're together and make sure her lifestyle choices aren't limiting her or the two of you. If she doesn’t feel she can do that, you two have bigger issues than kombucha and yoga. Finally, keep her away from apple cleanses: I've attempted one and it wasn't pretty.
- constantly monitoring other people's recycling
- yoga, sometimes twice a day (big time commitment)
- acupuncture
- eating only organically and "whole" foods (this means that an apple is better than say dried apple rings in a bag)
- no caffeine, no exceptions
- timing her circadian rhythms
- intense skin care (also time-consuming)
The list goes on, but you get the idea: total purist holistic living.
I am healthy, never a serious medical concern in my life, but its like everything I do is somehow either a detriment to my own health or the social good. (Example: once when we were living together, she found a battery in the trash can and we had to cancel all our plans for the day she was so upset). Ironically, it seems that this lifestyle causes her more harm than good. It's like a chain effect: her yoga instructor tells her that she needs to do a liver cleanse, then while doing the liver cleanse, she gets sick from eating only olive oil and green apples all day, so she has to go to the doctor, the doctor perscribes medication, but since medication isn't organic she has to go to acupuncture, and on and on. The real issue here is she kind of lords her lifestyle over me and lately I have really started to question why she can't accept the way I live (which, I can't stress this enough, is remarkably healthy compared to 99% of the population).
Every time I try to bring this up she is really nice about it (but in that "let's not put bad energy into the room" kind of way) and says she will stop, but it doesn't really stop, it just becomes less obvious, which actually makes the judgment that much stronger. It's driving me crazy. What do I do?
Thank You,
Behind the Times or Right on Point?
Dear Behind the Times:
Maude: Oh, how painful it was to read your letter. Emotionally, not physically (although I do have some eye strain). Your GF was me at age 24. How obnoxious I was the year I turned vegan and eschewed all things animal -- well, except the opposite sex, but I digress. Finding non-leather shoes was a real challenge in the 70s. Thank goodness we did not recycle or I would have become totally friendless. I broke up with one well-meaning BF because he did not think highly of my book written by Ram Dass: the day I found myself tucking it under the couch as he approached my apartment, I knew he had to go (the BF, not Ram). However, longevity does, in this case, give insight. Plain and simple: you are both right. She has the right to her newfound Zen lifestyle and you have the right to just live like a normal person. Sadly, I must tell you that this relationship cannot go forward for another decade, at least. She will mellow as life takes its toll and you will become more defined about who YOU are. Currently, you are misleading your rigid and critical GF by pretending that you’re happy being the earth-lover she wants you to be when, in fact, you really just want to be yourself. So, meditate on that for awhile, eat some hemp, and then look yourself in the mirror and move on.
Mod: That was dramatic, Mom. Looks like you tapped into some prime hippie nostalgia. Behind the Times, I don’t think you have to wait a decade to be happy with your girlfriend. I think you need to have a serious, sit-down-let-it-out-until-you-can’t-talk-anymore-then-go-get-soy-cheese-pizza conversation. Definitely wait until you are face-to-face for this one. Explain that you are not objecting to her commitment to her health and the environment. You’re objecting to these things getting in the way of the two of you functioning like normal people in a normal relationship. It would be the same thing if you refused to go to vegetarian dinner parties and couldn’t go on normal excursions with her because you were too full of bacon and cigarette smoke. When someone’s lifestyle choices (organic, alcoholic, etc) significantly infringe on the workings of your relationship, you’ve got a problem. So she just needs to pull it back when you're together and make sure her lifestyle choices aren't limiting her or the two of you. If she doesn’t feel she can do that, you two have bigger issues than kombucha and yoga. Finally, keep her away from apple cleanses: I've attempted one and it wasn't pretty.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Deep Dish and Rage
Dear Maude and Mod,
Last night I was at my favorite pizza place, having a meditative moment with my slice of cheese. In walked this family (Mom, Dad, two little boys who were about three or four) and suddenly everything was chaos -- the kids were running around making animal noises and the parents were repeatedly saying, "Do we need to go home? We'll go home" so that the kids would sit down. But they didn't take the kids home, and in mere instants, the kids were out of their seats and screaming again. This cycle repeated about twenty times before I left. My question: could I have said, "Look, if you just do what you say you'll do (actually take the brats home), your kids won't be devils" if I thought that advice would be life-changing for the whole family? Might my humble suggestion be valued, or would I get mangled by defensive parents?
Sincerely,
Who Knew Pizza Places Were Effective Birth Control?
Dear Who Knew,
Maude: Cheese? Myself, I prefer artichokes and kalamata olives. Now - though it would have been nice to stuff a few olives in those sweet little boys' mouths, one might have choked and that would have led to problems bigger than if you had actually spoken to the parents. These are what I call "ARMCHAIR" parents: they sit on their derrieres and parent with their VOICES only. Which, as you observed, does not work. So, should you, could you, have spoken up? No. Plain and simple. What you COULD have done is taken you pizza to go. Or, if you simply HAD to take the situation on, I would suggest the following (loud enough for the parents -- or perhaps the entire restaurant -- to hear):
You -- to these precious, undisciplined boys, "Hi sweeties! I will just bet you can sit quietly and behave while your pizza is cooking, EVEN THOUGH your parents don't think so." The shock factor will buy you about eight seconds to move out of the restaurant immediately.
Mod: Parents, particularly parents who know their kids are wild and bratty, are not going to respond to your sage, childless wisdom. You could slip them the name of a great child therapist or the hotline to one of those 'Nanny 911' shows, but I doubt you carry those around with you. I do agree with Maude's approach if you're feeling particularly bold, although I might take it a step further. Kneel down next to a child (catching them mid-rotation as they run around the table, but being careful not to actually touch the monster) and exclaim, "UH OH! I heard Mommy and Daddy say they were going to take you home if you got out of your seat again. And yet, here you are! It looks like your pizza date is over!" Then give the parents a big, slightly chilly smile and settle back into your booth. Wait for a miracle.
Last night I was at my favorite pizza place, having a meditative moment with my slice of cheese. In walked this family (Mom, Dad, two little boys who were about three or four) and suddenly everything was chaos -- the kids were running around making animal noises and the parents were repeatedly saying, "Do we need to go home? We'll go home" so that the kids would sit down. But they didn't take the kids home, and in mere instants, the kids were out of their seats and screaming again. This cycle repeated about twenty times before I left. My question: could I have said, "Look, if you just do what you say you'll do (actually take the brats home), your kids won't be devils" if I thought that advice would be life-changing for the whole family? Might my humble suggestion be valued, or would I get mangled by defensive parents?
Sincerely,
Who Knew Pizza Places Were Effective Birth Control?
Dear Who Knew,
Maude: Cheese? Myself, I prefer artichokes and kalamata olives. Now - though it would have been nice to stuff a few olives in those sweet little boys' mouths, one might have choked and that would have led to problems bigger than if you had actually spoken to the parents. These are what I call "ARMCHAIR" parents: they sit on their derrieres and parent with their VOICES only. Which, as you observed, does not work. So, should you, could you, have spoken up? No. Plain and simple. What you COULD have done is taken you pizza to go. Or, if you simply HAD to take the situation on, I would suggest the following (loud enough for the parents -- or perhaps the entire restaurant -- to hear):
You -- to these precious, undisciplined boys, "Hi sweeties! I will just bet you can sit quietly and behave while your pizza is cooking, EVEN THOUGH your parents don't think so." The shock factor will buy you about eight seconds to move out of the restaurant immediately.
Mod: Parents, particularly parents who know their kids are wild and bratty, are not going to respond to your sage, childless wisdom. You could slip them the name of a great child therapist or the hotline to one of those 'Nanny 911' shows, but I doubt you carry those around with you. I do agree with Maude's approach if you're feeling particularly bold, although I might take it a step further. Kneel down next to a child (catching them mid-rotation as they run around the table, but being careful not to actually touch the monster) and exclaim, "UH OH! I heard Mommy and Daddy say they were going to take you home if you got out of your seat again. And yet, here you are! It looks like your pizza date is over!" Then give the parents a big, slightly chilly smile and settle back into your booth. Wait for a miracle.
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